the oldest triumphant plot
by marcato
Summary: in a world of gods and goddesses, the one with the au remote is queen. - written for fi shipping week, 2014. cursing (basically, jordan.)
1. beginnings

***INSERT LOUD TRUMPET FANFARE***

**Haha what is punctual entry ahaha cries. Technically, this whole thing will be my FFA entry, but it's _technically_ the whole week because it encompasses everything. **

**Have fun picking out references.**

* * *

**i.**

The cock did not crow that morning, because the word "cock" causes Ray to burst out into uncontrollable sob-laughter. Which is a bad thing, because whenever Ray begins sob-laughing, she won't stop for a month and a day.

Basically, the pantheon uses foghorns.

"FFFFFFHHHNNNGGGGGGG," said the foghorn, as it raised its left tentacle and very, extremely, ridiculously, _incredibly_ delicately pushed Joan off her floating cloud-bed.

This, of course, caused Joan to start dramatically screaming for five minutes, at which point everyone else in the pantheon had woken in similar ways. "Shut up Joan, this happens every god damn morning," yelled Jordan, pushing the windows open from the opposite side of the street. Joan made a hmph-ing noise at him, sticking her tongue out. He rolled his eyes at her and walked deeper into his house, presumably to find out what had happened to his dear wife-y.

Joan sighed, and then headed towards what she thought was the bathroom to start the day.

* * *

Evidently, it had not been the bathroom.

She shouldn't have been surprised; her house did have a link to the docks of Fanatica after all, being the Ultimate Shipper. She just hadn't expected said door to be so close to the sea. She fished a piece of seaweed out of her hair, muttering under her breath about "stupid designers" and "when I get my hands on that asshole".

"Can I interrupt your daily angry grumbling to bring you a message?"

Joan rolled her eyes and smiled. "Hi Andie. Who's it from?"

The Munchkin of the Yellow Brick Road (a title she never really understood) was their designated messenger goddess and a best friend of Hermes, Greek god of tricksters and travellers. "It's from Ray. Well, it's from all of _them_, technically." Andie's eye twitched. The FI Council was, on some days, not to be messed with. Most days weren't those days, and the Council was probably one of the least legit things in, well, the universe. Joan had counted.

"Anyway," Andie continued, jerking Joan out of her train of thought, "they've approved your thing. And they want you to host it during your week, whatever that means. They also want you to write rules and spread it to the pantheon annnnddd-" Andie dug inside her mail pouch, and fished out something that gave off grey smoke, throwing it at Joan. "Okaythistoobye." And she vanished in a poof of orange smoke.

"…What the hell?" Joan blinked, and then her brain registered what the item was.

A Howler.

"SHIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTT-" and then there was a loud voice yelling "SUCK MY DICK" and an explosion.

She was going to get them for this.

* * *

"ATTENTION ALL PANTHEON MEMBERS, PLEASE PROCEED TO THE GREAT HALL ASAP. AND BY ASAP I MEAN DROP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING LIKE ITS HOT IN THE CRIB AND GO." Andie's pre-recorded voice ("I HAVE THE WORST VOICE FOR AN ANNOUNCEMENT SYSTEM, JOAN WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT.") echoed through the loudspeakers that lined the streets. Honestly, it was getting kind of annoying.

Ray groaned and flopped on the floor. "Do we really have to gooo. I was in the middle of researching demon-summoning!" She grumbled. "I still haven't figured out a way to summon Crowley without either a) burning the Pantheon down, or b) summoning Joan in the process." Hazel, sitting next to her, shuddered. The thought of purposefully summoning Joan still made her wince.

Angel rolled her eyes. "Come on guys, we have to go," she said, as she stood up from the exact center of the room. "Being late does not suit this shipping trio, even if it happens all the time."

"Anyway," she continued, glancing out of the window towards the Great Hall, "I have a feeling that we're not going to like the message today."

* * *

For a Hall Assembly, this was rather… strange.

You see, dear reader, most Hall Assemblies in the Pantheon did involve people screaming hysterically, running around like headless chickens, and Angel trying to position herself in the exact centre of the room.

Most Hall Assemblies in the Pantheon, did not involve the self-proclaimed "Ultimate Shipper" sitting at the front of the stage, swinging her legs in a manner that would be happy if not for the utterly evil smile on her face.

"Hi guys!" She gestured for them to sit down on the chairs provided, Ray sweeping her chair for salt before cautiously sitting down. "If it isn't obvious, I'm the one who called you here. Basically, it's because I have an announcement to make." She paused dramatically.

"Shipping week has been approved!"

The reaction produced was a single loud groan (Jordan) and loud whooping (everyone else).

"There's something special I want to try with it though. Same rules, same everything, AU challenge is always optional but we always end up doing it anyway, ships have been pasted on your doors, have fun, run wild!" Joan winked as if she was an anime character. "Just keep in mind that something unexpected might happen. Ta!" A powerful motor rumbled, and Joan sank into the floor, laughing maniacally while spinning slowly.

Ray blinked. "I have no idea what I was expecting, but that… just wasn't it, in any way."

A large teddy bear suddenly fell from the sky and crashed onto her head, causing Hazel to burst out laughing.

"Ah. That's it. The universe feels more in place now."

* * *

**Flies into the sun.**

**- Joan**


	2. extreme confusion

**ii.**

Jordan woke up on Monday morning feeling… strange.

He then realized that his foot was asleep, and that he was sleeping on a desk. In a suit. Oh, that made more sense now.

And then suddenly, his surroundings finally shook hands with his brain.

"Oh holy fuck Joan, what the hell have you done?"

* * *

Joan spun the AU remote between her fingers, high-fiving with her alternate self. "Thanks for that," said Pantheon!Joan.

Remote!Joan winked. "No harm in helping your life in the multiverse, right? I don't think we've broken any laws of the universe permanently, as long as we all stay in our respective AUs the next time round. How did you contact me, anyway?"

"A little bit of magic and a TARDIS on steroids." Pantheon!Joan shrugged. "No biggie, especially with Bob's help. Bless him."

* * *

This was a horrible, yet beautiful day.

So far, Jordan had been scolded by his office superior for sleeping (a very amused Angel, who seemed to be happy with her current role in his life), and walked out of the office building for lunch only to be violently thrown into a car by Joan and get called for, of all things, a mafia job.

After that, he had been ditched outside of a large castle, where the second he entered the grounds he had started singing Frozen songs with all the important words being replaced with things related to Mels (he hated Ray with all his being). Once he reached the throne room, however, he suddenly stopped singing, only for the doors to be flung open and to find himself in armor and the Knight of the Summer Court.

After somehow managing to win a battle despite no prior training, Jordan had stumbled out of the place to find himself on a non-descript street in the middle of nowhere. He looked back up at the castle, which was now mysteriously labelled "Caesar's Palace" in flashing neon lights. Shrugging and sighing, he had crossed the road and entered a small coffee shop where he had hoped to relax for maybe five minutes, when he had been given an apron and forced to serve as a barista for the rest of the day.

Throwing in an amused Mels ordering an iced coffee with an inappropriate amount of blushing (he could see Joan cackling in his peripheral vision) had not helped his level of sanity. She was just too adorable, bless her.

It is at this point that we reach Jordan's current location: standing outside of a vaguely seedy-looking bar casually named Imagination. The coffee shop had been too noisy, and so he had just quietly snuck out and climbed over the fence (easy-ish, given his coconut tree-esque height).

He cautiously entered the bar, and seeing no one but the bartender wiping glasses (Zoey, his mental voice remarked), he proceeded to slump forward at the bar. Trying for alcohol to wipe away his sorrows was no help, Zoey just looked at his fake ID and rolled her eyes, telling him that "Benedict Cumberbatch" couldn't possibly be a real name.

At this point, a person in a trenchcoat (that he recognised immediately as Joan, screw the fake identity bullshit) bought him two drinks.

...That was probably drugged.

...Oh, fuck it. Jordan downed the glasses, then gagged. Suddenly, everything around him seemed… different. Oh God, was the fern by the door judging him? Fuck him too. But that would probably happen later that week, anyway.

What were the drinks doing to his brain?

It took some convincing, even while he was somewhat drugged, but Jo- the Doctor managed to convince him to enter the TARDIS. At which point, they had been about to travel when the TARDIS had lurched and suddenly he was the Doctor, he was the one with the companion. Joan shrugged, and walked out the door, where Jordan could see her high-fiving Zoey.

Damn her.

* * *

Honestly, did he really have to go through all that trouble to get a companion?

After defeating living plastic, picking up Mels and officially making her his companion (knowing Joan, it couldn't have gone any other way), they sat on the edge of the TARDIS, their legs dangling into space. "What do you think Joan's going to pull tomorrow?"

He shrugged, shifting slightly. "Knowing her, something insane. It can't be much worse than today. At least Joan knows how to end the day well." He sniffed. "At least I wasn't a frog again." Mels laughed, then leaned against his shoulder as they looked into the infinite chasm of the universe.

* * *

**The rest of the chapters go up when I finish writing them, I guess? Haha punctuality cries.**

**- Joan**


End file.
